On 17 August, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong brought up the idea in his National Day Rally Chinese speech, hinting that maybe our countrymen should take things in their own hands, referring to the issue of many young people not being able to find lifetime partners. He gave the example that in Beijing, parents secretly go to “Parental Matchmaking Sessions” to search suitable partners for their children. They exchange photos, educational qualifications,family background and most importantly phone numbers to further contact. PM Lee added that dating and marriage is a personal issue and that the government is in no position to intervene, neither to impose rules. However, the government is able to facilitate and encourage people to give serious thought to marriage and creation of families, 'The Government can only help from the sidelines,' he said. And to my surprise, on the 8th this month, locals did take up initiative to organise a matchmaking session in Hong Lim Park. Dating agency Clique Wise was responsible for the event and it was focused primarily on parents. The response was unexpectedly overwhelming and it did prove a success, paving the way for potential couples.

This news caught my eye because I feel that romantic relationships are a fascinating display of human interaction, in which communication plays a vital role, thus the rationale for choosing this particular article for the focus on the facet of interpersonal communication. While studying interpersonal relationships during lecture and how they are classified, I was intrigued by the role of communication and how communication models come into play in reality.

Personally I have no experience of match making or being match-made, but I do know how my reaction will be like if my parents were to interfere with my private life. I understand the motive behind parents when they go to match making sessions ‘on behalf of their children’, but in this generation, acting ‘mei-po’ for their kids wouldn’t help, in fact it will shut off their son’s or daughter’s willingness to keep a lookout for potential partners. I wouldn’t settle my life partner and happiness in such a gateway, because I base my choice of partners on feelings and character, rather than looks, comparable academic qualifications or other ‘practical and rational’ reasons.

Seriously speaking, imagine looking at the other party and introducing yourself, “Oh, you’re from Hong Lim Park? Wow, what a coincidence! Me too! ”

Wth.

If people marry someone that does not meet their expectations, divorce may ensue thus creating more social problems, all the more for those with kids. Actually if we attract more single & well paid foreigners instead, then Singaporeans will not have to limit themselves to locals as marriage partners. HAHA! Those who are left on the shelf can turn to our poorer neighbours in SEA for prospective marriages.

The one reason parents engage in interpersonal communication at the matchmaking session is so that they can gain knowledge about another individual, for social needs that is. Only with engaging themselves actively then they can know who the other party’s children are like. Also, I believe if I was a parent there, I will judge people by the way they communicate too.

Parents who attended the match-make session will have expectations about others there too. Maybe some parents focus on looks, some on academic qualities, or other qualities or character, thus setting a qualitative approach to their communication. There are many factors affecting interpersonal relationships that the parents may form, although it’s just one session, it still can make a difference especially in first impressions.

Talking about first impressions, to a certain extent I believe looks of the possible candidate do matter. It’s natural for parents to choose the best possible for their kids, sieving out the old, bald and corpulent. Although we would like to believe that beauty is only skin deep and therefore a trivial criterion of liking, but its only human nature to be biased toward beauty. It actually exists everywhere in real life, at work or even during childhood.

At work, pretty female colleagues receive more assistance and cooperation in difficult or dispute situations. Physically-striking people also receive job recommendations even when their looks do not have any direct influence on their work scope or performance.

During childhood, people tend to dismiss the disruptive behaviour of comparatively physically attractive kids, and put the blame on those less handsome. Attractive children are given the benefit of doubt. Somehow I totally agree with this point, as I observed that my relatives prefer to play with my baby sister than other baby cousins, as she’s the prettiest of them all.

Another study, however, looked at long-term dating; it found that couples who were more or less well-suited in outer appearances were more deeply involved with each other than were those who differed greatly from each other in physical beauty. Thus the anxious parents will expect a minimum acceptance outlook, and no less than that. Because they already know the outcome when a less than average person was presented to their child as a potential partner. Given the situation for me, I wouldn’t give a second thought to it also.

Parents with attractive photos, whether outdated or photo-shopped, naturally receive more self disclosure from others. Mutually strangers, but it’s a general trend that we will be more willing to interact and associate with good-looking and presentable people, as a physically attractive person most probably will possess other desirable qualities like sensitivity, kindness, interesting, humorous… the list does go on, and conversely parents will definitely avoid or shun those pictures that do not look that appealing to the eye.

Other criterion that may affect interpersonal relationships is the opposite’s competency. We will like to form relationships with those who excel and are competent. Parents during their search for a marriage partner for their children will generate a higher sense of liking for one who graduated university with a Master’s Degree in ______________(fill in the blanks yourself) rather than one only with secondary education.

Alternatively, competency can have a negative impact during the match-make gathering at Hong Lim Park. At times, the higher the competency level of a person will result in lower popularity. One with superior cognitive competency will make us feel uncomfortable and awkward. Thus some parents with children who are extremely accomplished in life may seem to be unapproachable and distant and even superhuman.

Being a history student in JC, a very good example I can come up with now will be that John Kennedy's popularity actually went up after the Bay of Pigs Fiasco. It could be that Kennedy was seen as too perfect. He was young, handsome witty, the author of a best-seller, a war hero, had a beautiful wife and two cute kids. Some evidence of fallibility, like being responsible for a major national blunder, may have made him look more human in the public eye and hence, more likeable.

But in the end, we all still like to be surrounded by competent and able people, thus it will form a prerequisite for the parents, for forming interpersonal bonds.

Looking at match making from a logical POV, it comes with a process of initiation and experimenting, just like Knapp’s Model of Relational Development. The parents are actually screening and filtering out possible future son or daughter-in-laws. I can imagine them trying their best to make favourable first impressions on each other, using friendly and standard greetings. Like in stage 2 of Experimenting, they feel each other out, revealing information and reciprocating intentions. They ask questions about each other family background and then decide whether to further this relationship. It really amazes me to study interpersonal relations in theory and watching it unfold in reality, in this recent match making at Hong Lim Park.

As the process of disclosing information about each other, people discover similarities and differences that might affect the decision on whether to present the findings to their children. People of the same hobbies and interests have the tendency to form relationships as it reduces uncertainties and associated risks involved in the relationship. Back in JC, ruggers tend to match with ruggers, and the trend follows suit for dragonboaters or just with the same CCA. It actually feels better if u chat about the topic that both are familier about, and not jabbering on when the other party is disinterested or completely ignorant what you’re talking about.

Also parallel way of thinking also affects interpersonal relationships. It’s quite logical here actually. Cognitive consistency is important for a relationship to be able to foster and grow. It’s impossible when one do not encourage pre-marital sex due to religion or personal preferences, while the other egg on and supports in pre-marital sex. There will be bound to have problematic issues then. Having similar thinking and values reinforces our own, and thus the approval of each other. Both my boyfriend and I place greater value on family than on relationships, thus in the event when we have to make a choice between both, at least we both can predict each other’s thinking and actions. Thus values, preferences, and beliefs form the foundation of an interpersonal connection.

The determinant of proximity also comes into play during the pairing up of couples. The more we are in contact, the more likely it is possible to develop a relationship. Proximity reduces the costs of interaction, it is easier to talk to somebody sitting next to u than with somebody across the lecture hall. Evidently, the costs here are the time and energy to walk across the space in between, and the risk of getting scolded by your lecturer. And always being in close proximity can generate a positive attitude, being constantly exposed to the person, rather than one that is a total stranger you have not seen before. If applied to the scenario at Hong Lim Park, parents will look for candidates that have a secure job based locally rather than another with frequent overseas assignments and commitments.

Lastly, the specific factor that will determine the success or failure of their parents’ efforts is whether both individuals reciprocate the feelings of each other. Like how I expect friendship choices to be reciprocated, both parties must receive some form of affections back in return as a form of validation and assurance that both are on the right track. You’ll be wasting time on somebody if he or she does not reciprocate your feelings for them.

In all, coming back to matchmaking, I expect all lasting relationships should be based on feelings, on love, respect and affections, rather than on other shrewd and well-thought-out considerations. When attraction is so fleeting and ephemeral, looking at one’s character and personality will be a more trusting way to search for my significant one. And I really wonder how many will successfully pair off, when at the very start of the session, parents based their search on looks, competency, similarities and proximity.